I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.
– Edward Everett Hale
I started a new job, moved across the country, and left most everything I know to start fresh. Been on hiatus for a while, time to recollect. Let’s try again.
While digging through a stash of old corporate wellness materials, I stumbled upon a book written by Nancy Jane Smith called, “The Happier Approach.” It honestly reminds me of one of those free books you’d get at church during the Easter season, or from a self-help seminar, or in one of those little lending library kiosks you see in small towns. The cover art is very basic, and said cover art looks like it was printed in 480p. Yet, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed working my way through it (insert lesson on not judging a book by it’s cover).
One idea that Nancy works through has stuck with me – the idea that accomplishing a goal will provide a sensation of calm and quiet, that we should be overwhelmed with relief that we accomplished something. Yet, rarely is this the case. That focus moves from the task at hand, flies past the joys of completing it, and transfers into the anxiety and stress of what is next.
Her justification for this is that we are validating internal needs with external stimuli. Meaning, the internal feeling of anxiety or stress or fatigue or exhaustion isn’t magically fixed by an external factor. Its the same idea behind “I need a drink!” after a stressful day. It’s a band-aid in lieu of stitches.
We are on this constant quest for perfection. 10 things on the to-do list? If we do 9 but miss the 10th, we feel more guilt about missing it than pride in accomplishing the other 90%. We fear the ridicule from our brain for missing the one shot more than we long for the joy of bullseye’ing the others. The quest for protection protects us from the fear of failure, but it also blinds us of the little victories.
What if we don’t realize the life’s first 9 until we miss the 10th? Think of all the little victories you’ve let slide by because you missed that last task. Entire house is clean but the dishes are still soaking – failure. All of the bills, but you forgot the light bulbs you needed on your shopping trip – fail. The kiddos had perfect attendance at soccer this week, but you were 15 minutes late to that birthday party – fail.
Don’t let the idea of constantly moving the finish line further and further away cloud your view of the miles you’ve already run. Take a step back and see how far you’ve come. See the successes in simply living, breathing, being.
“Life is true to form; records are meant to be broken.”
– Mark Spitz
I’ve been finding myself falling into a hole lately, one based in self-doubt and uncertainty. Loneliness, fatigue, poor choices, restless nights, so many things so quickly and easily compound these feelings. We watch our friends excel in things, whether it be financially, personally, professionally, romantically, the list goes on. We browse post after post of the “perfect life” on social media.
Yet, you are exactly where you’re supposed to be.
Whether you believe in fate or destiny or nothing at all, the place where you currently stand is exactly where you’re supposed to be. Yes, your circumstances can and are impacted by things like your choices, words, and actions, but those things all culminate in where you currently are. If you see things that need improving, take quantifiable steps to improve upon them. If you’re financially burdened, look into ways to better budget your money, pickup a side hustle like Uber Eats or crafts on Etsy. If you’re struggling with your being, find things that make you feel whole – reignite passions for old hobbies, start going to church, splurge on a gift for yourself, take your kids to the park that you’ve been thinking about.
Circumstances are not entirely yours to choose but they are entirely yours to embrace. Change comes intrinsically before anything else. If you can’t identify and work towards fixing things within yourself you’ll never be able to fix those outside yourself.
It is a constant struggle to allow yourself to simply be. Its much easier to compare to others and their journeys, compare our struggles and victories against their own. This does nothing but diminish your own efforts and provide them with nothing. Your thoughts, unless you reach out to Joe Schmo and tell him how much you love his life and hate your own, simply fall on deaf ears other than those of your own. Comparing your being to others has no positive impact barring the possibility it sparks a fire that pushes you to grow.
Seeing others and using it as inspiration is not the same as seeing others and using it as comparison. We are all on our own paths, keep your eyes on yours and yours alone.
“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.”
– Rupi Kaur
I read something on Facebook the other day that hasn’t sat right with me since. It was one of those viral posts that takes off like a locomotive and is shared by many, most of which don’t take the time to really think about what they’re sharing. We see that a lot in today’s world amidst all of the politics, health scares, bizarre weather, etc. Oh, a buzzword! *shares*
The post simply read, “Depression isn’t attractive.” Then the text image went on to talk about how poor mental health isn’t attractive and that you shouldn’t be surprised when someone leaves you because of it, or if you aren’t able to find happiness because of it. How it isn’t someone else’s responsible to “fix” you, or mend your wounds. You can’t blame others for leaving you, you drove them away.
Before I delve into my personal beliefs on this, let me first say that I totally get it. I wholeheartedly understand what they’re trying to say and, quite frankly, agree with it. Poor mental health isn’t pretty. I don’t think any of us swipe through Tinder waiting to see the bio that says, “Hey, I’m Tammy, and I have depression and struggle with my self-worth. Oh, and I love the Office.” Not only do we not search for that, we don’t put that in our bio in the first place. Mental health isn’t attractive unless its the good kind – smiles, happy emojis, pictures with friends, pictures of your laughing. I totally get the point behind the post at a superficial level. There isn’t a single soul out there who sells their anxiety, depression, OCD, stress, as a Bumble topic of discussion. With that, I also want to thoroughly promote the idea that seeking help is always okay. You are never alone no matter how you feel. Even Tammy from Tinder with her multiple cat jokes and awkward picture of what appears to be her ex.
Mental health issues aren’t attractive.
Yet, they define us. I have depression. Well, I’m more inclined nowadays to say I had a mental roommate named depression who ultimately dropped out, but he still likes to visit every once in a while. Those who know me are aware than I am very transparent with my mental health and cognizant of it. Its the main reason I created this blog. I enjoy allowing myself to be open and free with my issues because I have received so many messages about how my transparency has helped others feel safe, welcome, and not alone. Do I consider the fact I have depression to be attractive? No. Do I consider it a facet of my existence, something I work to control and applaud myself for being able to overcome? Oh, most definitely. I think that is sexy as shit.
Yet, mental health issues aren’t attractive.
If someone doesn’t truly know you, could they ever love you? Think about it. How often do we hear, “I guess I really never knew him/her” or “they weren’t who I thought they were.” Even worse, we hear this so often after completed suicides – someone had struggled for years, battled their demons and lost. If you play the fake game and you pretend to be Justin and Hailey Bieber and his wife on Instagram – constantly happy, sharing selfies, love quotes, lyrics – but hide your true self, isn’t that less attractive than owning who you are and embracing your flaws? If you have to lie to a potential partner to make them like you, to think you’re loveable, aren’t you really just lying to yourself? If you can’t love yourself, how could you ever love another… yet, how could another ever truly love you if you don’t love yourself? Think, think, think.
“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.”
You should love yourself regardless of the so-called issues you may face. You’ve been going to see a counselor for your anxiety? Beautiful! That is such an impeccably strong thing to do, how could someone else not see that the same? You got out of bed on time this weekend and cleaned your apartment, regardless of how bad you wanted to sloth and watch Netflix? What an amazing feat of motivation and a show of such will-power. If someone doesn’t swipe right for that, you don’t want ’em anyways. I’ll be the first to admit that self-love and self-worth don’t flow like chocolate rivers in Willy’s factory most of the time, they aren’t this ever-present entity constantly cheering lingering. These are things we must work to find and quantify. It is also vital that those things are found intrinsically, or from within yourself. No one else can give you self-worth or self-love, that’s where the “self” comes in.
Mental health issues aren’t attractive, but you are.
Say it again for the people in the back.
Mental health issues aren’t attractive, but you are.
I like that better. The has a better ring to it. If you can define the beauty of another simply based on the battles they face, you aren’t worth their time to begin with. You are you, holistically. You are beautiful in every aspect even though some may be more pronounced than others. Your trials and tribulations do not lessen your worth. If anything, they heighten it. They harden you, strengthen your hide. They are the scars that define you as a person.
And like Shane Falco once said, “pain heals, chicks dig scars, and glory lasts forever.” Kudos if you get that reference.
“The presence of anxiety is unavoidable, but the prison of anxiety is optional.”
– Max Lucado
One of the most important lessons I have ever learned is that you are in control of your mind, in the most basic of senses. Your body will most always be slightly out of reach (it will almost always choose basic survival over your personal wishes), your autonomous mind can be influenced by you. While your mind may be impacted by things out of your control – life events, chemical imbalances, surprise stress – your response to these things is always in your control. This response may be short lived, your choice to overcome and power through may be brushed away by the overwhelming need to simply feel sad, bad, or mad, but even then, you’re giving yourself the choice to respond in these ways.
Too often I see the joys of anxiety, depression, anger, etc., being viewed as a prison, as the defining trait to one’s existence. This doesn’t need to be the case. While these things may truly be unavoidable, this does not deem them your prison. We must work to overcome them through forced persuasion, we must find a way to make ourselves know we are worth more than the trials and tribulations thrust upon us.
Once you shift your thinking to view these things as simply adjectives, descriptors of your own-being rather than general summations, you begin to find freedom. You begin to chip away at the metaphorical bars that trap you inside. You take that first step to clean your room and do the dishes that have been piling up for days. You decide to leave your anxiety at the door and initiate conversation with your parents, your professor, your crush. You choose to leave the things you’ve deemed a prison and simply view them as unavoidable hurdles, stepping stones towards a stronger, brighter you.
Deconstructed Echos 